one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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