I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
