my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
