I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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