Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
