Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
