woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
