There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
