I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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