at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
