i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
