I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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