I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
