: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
