i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
