Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
