I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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