so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
