idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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