and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
