Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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