I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
