So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
