Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Sorry about my life...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
