I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
