the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
