It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
