I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
