So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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