my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
