i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
