I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
