it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
