dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
