I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
