On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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