I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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