My sheets look like a crime scene.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
