Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize