You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
