It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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