The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
