New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
