I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
