Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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