im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Even my vagina gasped.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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