I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
