Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
