he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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