My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
