Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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