I must be too annoying 4 u.
i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
