Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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