there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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