T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She told me I should be a condom model.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
