I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
